I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
