This is not my ceiling
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
