I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
