Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
