She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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