Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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