I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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