Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
