She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
