I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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