stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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