Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
