i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
