dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
