Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
