my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
