Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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