her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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