She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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