New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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