Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
