Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
