I hate your face
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
