I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
