Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
