my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
