i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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