if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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