Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
