When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
