I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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