My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
