Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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