ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
