his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
