I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
