We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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