i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
These tits shall not be calmed
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
