weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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