you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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