So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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