I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
