there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
