So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
