I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
