Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
