I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
