forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
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