a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
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