my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
