She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
