Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This is my gift to your gina
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
